I just looked at my stats and heeeeyyyyy I have 17 subscribers!! I’m super proud of myself, and also Thank you <3
Now, onto the post…
They say delulu is always the solulu, but is it really?
A couple of days ago, I was listening to a podcast and they were talking about limerence and I didn’t fully understand what it was, but I was happy because I couldn’t relate, but that was until half the video and I was like, oh damn, I relate.
That triggered me a little, but well, that girl existed years ago.
There is this long definition of limerence in the dictionary but, I define it as, Infatuation on steroids. Hear me out; Your brain goes on holiday, then you find yourself in a relationship; driven by something that is not you, you cant stop thinking about this person even for 30 seconds. You’re like, “he hasn’t texted me in 30 minutes, should I kill myself, should I show up at his house with a gun.” Okay, that may have been a little extreme, and I know what your thinking, but I don’t relate with that. Or simply put, infatuation with an undertone of suffering.
My limerence used to be my infatuation by the thought if not being alone, and just being in a relationship, healthy or not. I used to have the “I’m okay syndrome.” I’m okay being number 2, I’m okay being in the background, I’m okay if he doesn’t text me, I’m okay if I’m not the one he runs to when he has a problem, I’m okay with giving my all and receiving half from you. In my defense though, that may have been the norm during the time, because the thing was to just be with someone, don’t care about the rest. But the thing about me is I cared, I gave a fuck.
I know you think that I should have left regardless, but I don’t know why but someone just holds on to that one good moment that may have happened years ago. And that was some sort of madness because I was just damaging my mental health but for some reason, all that would be going through my head is Sam smiths song, stay with me. (which has remained stuck in my mind since last night)
That experience conditioned me to think that I am supposed to attract a guy with a little brokenness or a lot, so that it would make me the one to fix him or bring all the rays of sunshine into his life. Like I’m right there but I have to be discovered, or I had to prove something to show that I belong, and I am a sucker for love, I’d do anything (pickmeisha much?). That was until I was just loved for being. And I think that was the beginning of self love. I allowed myself to get out of my cocoon and be loved for just being, which was so uncomfortable because I used to be a fixer, now I’m just me. There is that empowerment that comes with good love, not just from your partner but from friends as well.
Thinking about this limerence thing as an overthinker, I think its more tied to our childhood traumas especially the avoidant and anxious. Holding on to the familiarity in childhood, which is usually the main cause of toxicity in relationships or friendships.
At the end of the day, it all circles back to love, good love, self love. I tell myself that I am a creature of love and Id like my gravestone to be written, “I’m loved, I loved and I’m beloved.”
Ending this letter, are you in love or in limerence?
Hey, Again, thank you for reading this short post on limerence, thank you for being here.
Caroline <3